


Baking a Crisis

by Leo_Forgot_to_Create



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Baker Remus, Mute Remy, Teenager Remy, Unsympathetic Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Unsympathetic Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Unsympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Unsympathetic Logic | Logan Sanders, Unsympathetic Morality | Patton Sanders, i'll add more tags as i go along, they're assholes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:54:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25426486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leo_Forgot_to_Create/pseuds/Leo_Forgot_to_Create
Summary: A very important secret of Remus' got out. He loves to bake, and more importantly, decorate cakes! Well, it's not REALLY a secret, he just never bothered to tell anyone. So now his friends and brother thinks he's lying about his hobby as he tries to prove to them otherwise.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 27





	1. The Fucking Photo

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so, this is my first ever chapter fic! I promise I'll try to update this as best as I can bit it might take a bit.

Remus stared down at the group chat with his friends and brother. To call it a shit show was an understatement. It was a fucking horse entrails all over floor at a sausage factory! Why did he share that gods-damn-it-to-the-motherfucking-abyss photo?

Uuuuuuuaaaaaaggggghhhh!!?!!!!!?!!?!!!?

On the cracked screen was a photo of an octopus. Except it wasn't an octopus! It was a cake! Reality's slowly becoming cake! And he was so gods damn fucking proud of that existential crisis inducing cake that he took a picture of it and sent to the group chat like the rest of his creations without a second thought. Except he forgot one thing. One very important thing. One thing so important that the phone should've projected a hologram to tear out his organs and skip ropes with his intestines for forgetting such an important thing!

He never actually told anyone he baked. 

Don't you fucking laugh! It was his biggest secret! Absolutely no one was allowed to know that shit! He never told his friends, his parents, his brother, his neighbors- wait, scratch that, his neighbors knew. Little hard not to. But he never toooooooold anyone! It doesn't fit with his aesthetic! Not one bit! Well, either that or no one really gives a shit about him so he stopped trying to fill them in on his life. Which would be absolutely pathetic of him to give up on anything! So yeah, it was the latter. Not like he can really blame them for not caring, he's pretty damn annoying. At least that's what he's told, it's hard to tell what certain people deem 'socially appropriate' these days. He can't so much as voice his thoughts on how exactly the zombie apocalypse will happen, like how the disease will contort the human body into something unrecognizable in vivid detail, without everyone glaring at him! Yet his brother can talk about how much sex he's having and that's considered fine? Gross! 

Shit, he's getting WAY off track again. No one cares about your shit so neither should you. Wow he's a failure!

Anyways, so when he sent the glorious cake photo with the caption 'Envy me and my octopussy!!!', and he was immediately scolded for buying a custom cake, especially when there wasn't anything important going on. (That they knew of anyway.) Like immediately! So fast that he couldn't even come up with something disturbing, kindof fast!

He, of course, shot back that he didn't BUY the cake, and before he can continue, he was bombarded with a lot of 'stealing's wrong' , 'of course you'll do something dumb like that', 'I'm not explaining to Mama and Papa why you were thrown in jail' , 'I'm not your allaby' and more shit like that. Until he sent this.

-  
Me: The fuck of a duck? The hell are you gays yelling about? 

Me: Why was the first thing that came to mind was me stealing it?

Me: Unlike any of you I respect artists! >:P

The Bastard Brother: The only other options are either someone gave it to you

The Bastard Brother: Which wouldn't happen because your you

The Bastard Brother: Or you made it yourself, which is even LESS likely! because your you  
-

Wow.

Well that fucking hurt. Not only does his own brother think he's talentless, but also Remus has to come to terms that his own flesh and blood doesn't know how to spell. It's you're, you dumb bitch! Sometimes he worries that he absorbed all the gooby brains in the womb, which would be extremely unfortunate because his useless sack of nerves can barely rival a jellyfish half the time! 

Wait, shit on a stick, where was he? Oh right, throwing a pity party. So where was he?

Eh. It doesn't matter. He's thrown plenty of those and nothing really seems to change if he thinks on his thoughts. It just makes them worse! So nah. Rather not.

Remus cuts off a tentacle from the octocake before nearly throwing the knife in the sink. He'll have to do the dishes later. 

With his cake in hand, the baker dazedly sways across the small apartment and dramatically flops onto his beat up couch. He drew out his phone and tapped on the note app. Popping up was a long list of names with dates and allergies listed right next to it. Oh yes, the neighbors. Who has he not thrown pastries at in a while?

...Ms. William is allergic to lime so not her… He gave Mx. Rogers some lemon bars last week so not them... Jerry can go fuck himself… He hasn't visited the Picanis for a while... Hope they like apples!


	2. The Fucking Too Pink Of A Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus drops off the octocake to be consumed by his neighbors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still a new writer so the chapters are most likely going to be in the range between 500-1,000. Just a heads up.

KNOCK KNOCKITY KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK BITCH!!! 

Remus shuffled back and forth in front of Dr. Picani's apartment, balancing the octocake on his head. You know, like you do. Wander if it'll tip and fall directly into his eyes, permanently blinding him! Bet the pain would be delicious! Pun intended.

His thoughts were interrupted with a CREEEUUUUUHH as the door opened, revealing a bored looking teen with a bored look, some neat shades, and a Starbucks in hand. "Sup Rem mini!" Remus snickered, "Got you and your dadio a mostly unharmed octopus!" Remy, probably rolling his eyes, smirked as he opened the door wide strutted backed into the apartment. Literally strutted. Kid must think he's on a cat walk or something. 

Would a catwalk be performed by someone who surgically swapped their hips with a cat or someone you stomps on the pelts on skinned cats?

No, shut the fuck up and focus! Don't need your neighbors to think you're even weirder.

Walking in, the first thing you properly notice is your brain screaming something along the lines of, "Why the hell is grandma wallpaper so damn pink!?!" And if that wasn't your thought, than you're color blind because HOLY FUCK! No wonder Remy wears sunglasses indoors!

Placing the cake onto the nearest counter, Remus placed an arm in front of the plate and fork wielding teenager, stopping him from taking a step closer to the aquatic pastry. "You know, every responsible adult in existence would give you the same speech on how eating an entire cake by yourself at 11 am is typically a bad thing," Remus stated. He received an eyebrow raise. "Good thing that there's none of those here! Go ham!" He was immediately met with a shit eating grin, five more severed tentacles, and a very satisfied teenager lounging on the couch. In record time too! About 10 seconds maybe? 

"Well I like to think I'm at least a little responsible," chuckled a voice from the doorway. "Well Emile, you weren't in the apartment yet so you don't count!" Remus objected. 

The therapist chuckled again, throwing his keys into a bowl by the door as he walked in. Wearing his typical tan cardigan and pink tie. He too, plated a piece of cake, sitting down next to his sprawled out son.

Aaaaaaaannd the dreaded question will be asked in three, two, one, "I know you're often busy with work and all but would you like to stay for a bit longer? Breaks work wonders for one's mental health. I can brew up a pot of tea."

Yeah, no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no nO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! Bad idea!

Spending more time means getting to know one another, which means getting attached, which means sharing his mind words, which means them becoming disgusted with him, which means Remus will die alone in fucking ditch with 28 stab wounds because everyone hates him!

And he doesn't want to bother them more than he already has.

Hell, they probably hate him already!

He needs to leave before they get more mad at him. He needs an excuse.

"Wish I could stay but I agreed to hang out with my brother today!" Which wasn't technically a lie, he's promising himself right now to go over to Roman's so he doesn't annoy the liquid shit out of his neighbors. Roman tolerates him and his weirdness. Mostly.

"Well then, I won't keep you, though I hope we could spend some time later," Emile chuckled.

Good, he bought. Janus would be so fucking proud of that! Well maybe not. 

Waving goodbye, the baker made his way back to his apartment to grab the essentials for surprise brotherly bonding. Which was a bit more difficult because HOLY FUCKING SHIT EVERYTHING LOOKS GREENER THAN SICKILY SNOT! He grabbed his backpack containing his keys, wallet, sketchbook, 'snacks', and a single roll of toilet paper. Yes good.

It wasn't til halfway through the drive to his brother dearest's house, that he remembered OTHER important thing he had forgotten. He's still mad at his brother for earlier.

Well fuck. Too late to turn back now right? 

Holy shit, he's still seeing more green than normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fucking roast me for any typos you cowards! Other than that feel free to leave whatever comments you want between more kudos to the most cursed thing you can come up with! I won't judge.


	3. The Fucking Poison Squares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't ask how his day had gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter but oh well!

He doesn't want to talk about it, so he won't. 

He's baking brownies to cheer himself up. He won't decorate them this time though. Not like anyone would appreciate them if he did. No, just plain old brownies.

Ok so he gave in and drew frowny faces on them with blue icing. So sue him! It's nine o'clock at night and he's having a chocolate dessert for dinner, clearly giving in to his artistic desires is far from below the bar! 

Remus grabs a plate of the poison-to-most squares and sits on his shitty couch.

He's still a failure though.

…

What would've happened if he had pulled the pan out without an oven mitt? Of course he would've burned his hand, but how would it burn? Would it be less severe like a sunburn? Would his skin peel in slabs? Would there be a dozen gushing blisters? He would need to go to the hospital if it was serious; or he could just not have more debt than Jérôme Kerviel and deal with the pain. Chuthulu knows he probably deserves it. Hell! He got into a fight with his 'perfect' brother all because he couldn't swallow his fucking pride and face his fucking reputation!

Remus places his now soggy and slightly salty brownies to the side, puts the leftovers in the fridge, and gets ready to go to bed.

Another shit day for the world's shittyest person. Eeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhggggg.


	4. The fucking fic that I won't finish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I most likely won't continue with this fic, and if I do it'll have to be a rewrite where a WRITE AN OUTLINE FIRST!!!! So anyway have this shitty doodle I done that was pretty much the plot I had in mind going in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And then Remus ditches his old friends for people that actually care about him. These people include Emile and Remy along with a few others. Remus at some point learns ASL to better understand Remy without the use of writing or charades.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to yell at me in the comments for what ever your heart desires! :)


End file.
